A Letter to Players I (do not) Hate

Dear Xbox Live Players,

Please stop spamming my inbox with messages about how you are hosting a boost lobby. I do not appreciate weeding through all the voice messages that begin with a prepubescent boy calling attention to his “friends and recent players” while forgetting to mention that by “friends” he means “random people whom he has never met”. Why would I want you to boost me? You sound like half a tard and I distinctly remember teabagging you for the majority of the game. Let me give you some advice. Next time you are sitting in the deep dark recesses of your bedroom and thinking about sending out some boost spam, go to the mall and stare at all the girls who use summer as an excuse to dress like whores. Who knows, maybe one of them will talk to you or sneeze Chlamydia on you. Maybe you’ll die! Exciting, no?

While we are talking about spam, I would like to publicly announce that I will (not) murder the next person who sends me another damn screenshot from a game that I wasn’t even in! I will (not) hunt you down and kidnap you and I most certainly will (not) feed you to an old, lust-filled Catholic priest! I hear there are only so many altar boys to go around.

If it is not too much to ask, I would also like to request that anybody who uses Axe body spray not be permitted to use the Internet. It is a well-known fact that Axe body spray combines with certain molecules in the body to create super-aggression and the inability to get an erection. Sometimes I get messages from people yelling about how they lost and somehow I can just smell the Axe, as if the words came directly out of the can. In this case, there is no punishment I can deal out because I know you guys are already too busy with all the (not) being naked in front of each other and the arousal that may (or may not) come from said state.

I guess what I am really (not) trying to say here is STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES unless you have something useful to say. Thanks.


Not Judas