MAG (Men Are Great)

While my Xbox is in the shop, I have to find other means of satisfying my online multiplayer addiction. Since my PS3 is currently capable of both breathing and bringing up pornography on my TV, I am now turning to the horrifying PlayStation Network for my fix. This is, however, not a review of the PlayStation Network. If it were, I would have already dropped the F-bomb 10 times and made a reference to Adolf Hitler’s Nazi vagina. Instead, we are going to talk about MAG (Massive Action Game).

In case some of you haven’t heard of it, MAG (Massive Anus Guardian) is a multiplayer-only PS3 game that boasts up to 256 player online. While this isn’t a lie, I was slightly disappointed to find that only 1 game type offers 256 player games. While 64 or 128 players is still impressive, I felt a little cheated. Domination pits two giant teams of 128 players against each other, capturing objectives. One team defends and one attacks. It’s pretty straight forward, but the defending team wins just about every time. There are too many players to realistically capture all the objectives without some serious coordination. Acquisition is another game type, allowing teams of 64 players to duke it out. Again, there is a defending and attacking team, but this time the attackers are trying to capture vehicles and get them to the extraction point. These are the two that matter, but there is also a type involving holding capture points and one focused around straight up killing each other.

There are 3 private army factions to choose from in the game. Each faction has a home map for each game type that they defend on. So it will either be your map or theirs. There is not a lot of variety in maps, nor are there many maps at all. In a match, there is somewhat of a rank and file. At the top is the OIC (Officer in Command) who is above 1, 2, or 4 Platoon Leaders depending on the game type. Each Platoon Leader is in charge of 4 squads with their own squad leader. Once you have enough experience to apply for these ranks, the officers are randomly selected in each game. All of this can be a really interesting element when your officers have headsets and are telling people what to do. Unfortunately, 90% of the time, this is not the case. Most of the games are just a bunch of lunatics running around getting blown up because they don’t hear their squadmates calling out enemy locations. Essentially it’s every man for himself, which goes against how the game is supposed to be played.

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Assassin’s Creed 2: Let the Hate-lympics Begin!

I think I should preface this review by saying that the first Assassin’s Creed WAS NOT A GOOD GAME!! It was extremely repetitive, ridiculously easy and lacked a real story. Not to mention the story that did exist revolved around the Templar Knights. Can you say “gigantic gimmick?”

So Assassin’s Creed 2 is much better than the first in that–OH WAIT, no it isn’t. The only thing I would say is better is that Ezio’s life actually has things happen, instead of just being full of random assassinations. This also made the game slightly less repetitive. Missions became a bit more interesting when I knew why I was doing them. The problem is that those very missions were still pretty much the same. They tried to remedy this by changing a number of things.

One addition was missions where you lead a small group of soldiers to various places and they fight with you. I think this is a relatively stupid choice because the title of the game is ASSASSIN’S creed and not Big Stupid Brute Carrying a Large Dong-Shaped Sword’s Creed. You don’t even have to fight in many cases. I just stood back and went to go make a sandwich, while they killed all the guards (I really did do that). The sweaty losers at Ubisoft also added vehicle missions. While typing that, I coughed and said, “gimmick” at the same time. It was impressive. I didn’t have a single shred of anything even resembling fun on those missions. They were annoying and I died more than two times on all of them.

Speaking of dying, I never once died in combat. I’ll get to that later. Almost every time I died, it was due to the free running system being significantly worse in this game. It was like watching Saved By the Bell for years and then watching The College Years. I was left with a furrowed brow and a deep hatred for sequels. While Altair can only jump slightly longer distances than a normal human, Ezio can jump 30 feet. Apparently, he was raised in Kenya. I was constantly jumping too far, or thinking I could make a really long jump, but I always found that “No one’s ever made the first jump” was an appropriate Matrix quote. Making jumps in this game requires a lot more precision. Annoying amounts of it, in some cases. It can be very unforgiving at times. That might have a lot to do with the immense amount of glitches I ran into though.

Two reviews. Two pictures of Keanu Reeves? I might be a bit gay.

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